Days 29 & 30

I haven't had much positive to say over the past couple of days, so I decided not to say anything at all.

The Addenbrooke's referral didn't go through because I'm 'out of area' (with a Cambridge address and GP...), which has been a game changer and pretty upsetting.

I know precisely what I need to do to get myself out of this rut: I need to snap out of my low mood, I need to get my research properly under-way and revise for OSCE's, and I need to eat properly so I've got the energy to properly recover - wherever that is. It's really easy to write that sentence, but so much harder to do it.

I've got 2 options:
1. There's an inpatient rehabilitation centre less than 10 miles from my parents house (Wellingborough) for young people with neurological damage. I meet their criteria, and the waiting list is short/non-existent. It could have me up, walking, and completely sorted very quickly. However, going there would mean giving up on the idea of qualifying in 2015, therefore losing the light at the end of the tunnel which has kept me sane for 2 years. I know geographically there's no significant difference between the journey from Cambridge to Kettering or Wellingborough. but I feel very strongly that my life is in Cambridge and Wellingborough is going the 'wrong way'. After rehab - what would I do until September? I'd just mope in Rushden.

2. Go home to Cambridge, and cope. I want to give my training the best possible shot, and I desperately want to qualify with the group I've got to know over the past 2 years. I can go to my GP and get a referral for physio as an outpatient, which may be enough. Once I've been discharged from hospital though, I no longer qualify for inpatient rehab. If I were to find myself in a position where I thought I'd overestimated my abilities and needed inpatient rehab, well, I couldn't have it - unless I were to present at Addenbrooke's, become an inpatient there, and wait for a place at their rehab unit. But there's no telling how long that would take. Also, if I discovered qualifying next year was unrealistic, I've got a bank HCA job which I could do full time until next academic year. As I said, my life is in Cambridge.

Laying here, I can't help thinking of my 20 year old self. In 2010 and 2011 she spent many months in and out of hospital with newly diagnosed Crohn's disease, having to confront the possibility of an ileostomy a bit more seriously with each admission. This was following a life threatening brush with sepsis after an intestinal ulcer became infected. She was pumped full of antibiotics and steroids and immunosupressants to get her condition under control, she was forced to take a year out from university, yet she dealt with it and came out the other side with a better life.

I found a way to do it then, and I know I have no choice but to find a way to do it now. It's just the 'how?' which is bewildering me at the moment.

Any advice would be very welcome!

Love Emily x

P.s. In other, less miserable, news - Sam smuggled in pumpkins (and knives...) and we made some seasonal decorations for my room. Impressed?