Another tough title to write.
Today has been up there with the toughest days I've had since I've been here.
This morning I stood up and tried to get to my bathroom. I could feel the dizziness coming over me as I was walking, but my the time I reached the bathroom I didn't know which way was up. I slumped myself against a chair on the floor (easier said than done with only one working leg!) and vomited - lots. I could feel myself 'going' so I lay on the floor, pulled the buzzer, placed towels under and around my head, and then 'went'. I have no idea how long it took for help to arrive, or if I had a seizure or not. All I know is this is how I felt before I was taken to A&E, it's a horrible feeling, and it's happening every morning immediately after I stand up for the first time.
Mentally I'm not doing great, either. I can take some comfort in opting to stay for inpatient rehab because as things are at the moment I'm not well enough for discharge - but that's about it. I used to feel determination and adrenaline from fighting against my illness, and I was encouraged by my improvement. But as I now seem to be getting ill-er again, and have no-one but myself to blame for an indefinite stay in hospital, well, it's not an uplifting feeling.
I've paid a huge price for choosing rehab: for each day that goes by without me being transferred my chances of qualifying in 2015 plummet, and it's pushed personal relationships past the limit, too. At the time I made the choice it seemed absolutely the right thing to do; doctors, nurses, physiotherapists and family told me they were pleased I made it. Now, though, it's cost me so much and I keep beating myself up by thinking I could have kept my life together by being braver and just getting on with things.
At the moment I'm unhappy, but I've got to try as hard as I can to stop 'unhappiness' becoming 'depression'. There's nothing in here to help ease depression, so I've got to prevent it. I'm sorry, I don't know why people read this blog (but you do; I'm getting 200-300 hits a day) because it's just an unending tale of woe and misery. I'm sorry.
Love Emily x
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