Physically, I'm doing great. I went to see my GP last week who explained I've developed transverse myelitis from the meningitis. It means there's inflammation and damage to nerves across the width of my spine at the level which supplies my legs and bladder - if you're really interested, the Brain & Spine Foundation give a fantastic explanation here. It's very rare: there are only 300 new cases a year in the UK, and the prognosis generally isn't great - the norm is for recovery to start between 1-3 months of onset, it can take 2 years to fully recover, and 2/3 of people never do.
Knowing this, I'm amazed at my recovery. It's been 9 weeks since the onset and I'm reasonably mobile. I tire easily, I get a lot of pain in my legs, and there are occasional moments where they don't seem to work well/at all, but I could live with this for the rest of my life, if I had to. I wonder how well my rehab would have gone if I knew the full extent of my illness while I was in hospital? If I'd have known there was a 1 in 3 chance I'd be moderately disabled for life and a further 1 in 3 chance I'd make absolutely no recovery, would I have pushed myself in quite the same way? At the time, my doctors were being extremely cautious about giving me any hope for my future, but I saw no reason why I couldn't be up and walking and be a midwife. I'd like to think that played a large part in a recovery which, given the conditions I've had and am left with, is little short of miraculous. Moral of the story, kids: a positive attitude can get you a long way.
Knowing how well I've done takes the edge off the (sometimes overwhelming - I used that term because I think 'crippling' is a bit inappropriate, given the context) anxiety which I'm currently feeling. Even though I know I've done incredibly well, and there's no reason why I'm not going to continue to do so, I seem to be dwelling on how easily it could have gone the other way. Statistically it should have done. I'm not sleeping well, and when I do I often get nightmares about being paralysed. I'm obsessively cleaning and being fussy about what I eat because I want to encounter minimal germs to maximise my chances of avoiding contact with whatever gave me the infection. I get extremely nervous in large groups of people for the same reason - plus there's usually a constant stream of "how are you"'s and "you look so well"'s which I feel I can't reply to honestly, because I don't feel well. Perhaps most debilitating of all: I'm suddenly terrified of hospitals. It's been a few weeks and I've accepted I need more help than I hoped I would.
Lastly, I've been reading all of your comments and hearing through friends how many people I vaguely (or don't!) know have been keeping up with this blog. That was never my intention - I meant for it to be some kind of personal ranting space which wasn't going to be inflicted on other people - but it's genuinely flattering to know how many people care, and how many people think it's worth sharing with their friends. Thank you. It's making a tough time a lot easier.
Love Emily x
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