I thought quite a bit about whether to carry on with this blog or not. The purpose of it was to keep many people informed with a single post as I discovered more about my illness and diagnosis. Now that the bulk of that is in the past it seems like a narcissist self indulgence to continue, but after a chat with a friend about how we tend to judge the inside of ourselves by the outsides of others I changed my mind. Nearly everyone who has commented to me about this blog has said how honest it is, so maybe it might be of use to other people with transverse myelitis. Even if it isn't. there are lots of other themes running through it: midwifery training, travelling, and generally adapting to life with a sudden disability. My stats tell me people are still viewing it - and I'm still finding it cathartic to write, even if those visitors are accidental clicks!
I've been back at work for a while now, and I even did my first full (12.5) hour shift this week. It was exhausting - but it always is - and I relied quite heavily on my stick towards the end, but I managed it. I'm also discovering more and more that cold temperatures are not my friend. After the hellish agony of New Year's Eve (having Crohn's and meningitis, and working with women in labour, has given me a pretty good idea of how bad pain can be - but the pain from transverse myelitis is just in a different league) I've been wearing hiking socks as everyday wear, a heat patch constantly on my back and keeping a bottle of Oramorph close to hand. All these things have helped the pain, but it's still taking at least 30mg of morphine to get me truly comfortable at it's current peak.
Stress is also a big factor in my recovery now, I think. I missed 2 placements while I was in hospital, which means I'm 300 clinical hours down. Trying to find the time to fit in those 300 hours in an already challenging course, whilst preparing for OSCE's, getting essays done and my dissertation finished is pushing me to my limits. I think all of my course mates feel the same, and (without meaning to play Shit Life Top Trumps) they're all doing it with relatively good health and two legs which work all of the time. I'm really struggling to stay motivated, and at the moment it's only the thought of Nepal which is spurring me on. Some days I want to take a break from it and come back in September, and I still haven't ruled that out. I'm trying to take it day by day and not get overwhelmed.
The one thing writing this post has taught me is I really like the phrase Shit Life Top Trumps. I think I'll make it the title.
Anyway, I hope the new year is being nice to you all!
Love Emily x
No comments:
Post a Comment